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[09 Feb 2006|12:03pm] |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
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music |
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Architecture In Helsinki - Like a Call |
] |
I feel so fucking ineffectual.
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| On the Current Day |
[24 Aug 2005|11:41am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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Michael Penn - Room 712, The Apache |
] |
I can already tell that today is going to be a bad day, because it's coming after yesterday, but before tomorrow. You can't bridge a gap from good to nervous like that without expecting some bad results.
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| Now It's My Turn To Ask You, Though I Doubt You'll Answer, Because You Didn't |
[24 Jul 2005|12:05am] |
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mood |
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worried |
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music |
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Eels - 3 Speed |
] |
"He had never, ever been the sort of man who fell in love, and that was what plagued him when he saw Alice, that was what kept him awake at night, during those first few weeks. No woman had ever moved him to such thoughts. Alice was another of those wrenching shadows, the shade of a pure possibility unchosen and unlived, and at night he was almost able to feel her lying next to him in his bed, nearly in his skin: the heat and the pull and the breath and the sanity of a woman. Life. Life itself."
-- Haven Kimmel, The Solace of Leaving Early
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| Say Goodnight to the Moon |
[24 Jun 2005|12:03am] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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music |
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The Spinanes - Greetings From the Sugar Lick |
] |
Weeks ago, I have no idea exactly when, there was a moment where I found myself standing outside in the warm nighttime air and staring at the empty window of a house down the street to pass the time. I was waiting for people to come, expecting to be on my way soon to somewhere exciting.
Last night, I stepped outside at a much later hour and stood in that same spot. This time, I looked straight up at the stars. I wasn't expecting that I'd be going anywhere.
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| Free Preview Wednesday |
[20 Apr 2005|08:55pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
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music |
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Alsace Lorraine - Though I've Never Seen You |
] |
[20:35] beatlegods: hey, i had a dream you and your friends gave me a ride home from school.
[20:35] Neutron Pixie: who are my friends?
[20:35] beatlegods: i didn't know who they were
[20:35] Neutron Pixie: that's because they don't exist
[20:35] Neutron Pixie: hahah...wow that was depressing
[20:35] beatlegods: yeah it was
[20:35] beatlegods: are you ok?
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| Well, I Know We Should Take A Walk... |
[30 Mar 2005|07:20pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
] |
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music |
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Wilco - Outtasite (Outta Mind) |
] |
"So you watch the sunrise sinking, and she's talking in her sleep. A dream of how alone she was tomorrow when you keep all those promises to someone in a mirror you will find at your parents' house in 1989. Terrorized by the ruling party: calendars and commas. Small request, could we please turn around? So you whisper your arrival walking backwards to the door. Wonder briefly what it is you're hesitating for. All the streets lie down, deserted in the darkest part of night, to lead you through the evening to the light. Pulled along in the tender grip of watches and ellipses. Small request. Could we please turn around?"
- The Weakerthans, "Time's Arrow" It's nice out again and things are pretty good. There's a nice change.
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| Sometimes I Can't Believe I've Had Those Thoughts Before |
[25 Feb 2005|07:32pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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The Organ - Memorize The City |
] |
"Of all the potential lives you could've had, don't you suspect there's one knocking around somewhere where you matter to more people?"
- Nick Walker, Blackbox
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| A Change Is On The Way... |
[16 Feb 2005|07:26pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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music |
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British Sea Power - Childhood Memories |
] |
From the moment I found myself awake today, I knew something was definitely wrong. Throughout the day I was unable to pinpoint exactly what this feeling was, but I know it made me even more awkward and uncomfortable than usual. There was plenty to enjoy today, for sure - the weather was beautiful. That's enough in itself. The sky at so many different times today made me want to run and make sure to get a photograph. A darkening grey sky before rain is nothing unusual, and clouds over receding snow-lines may be expected, but whatever it was that was in control today made me want to preserve the memory that would doubtless soon be repeated upon a change in season. Despite it all, despite knowing the common but still enthralling beauty that was sure to come later, I couldn't even manage a hopelessly necessary "good morning" when such a greeting was necessary during the time when it is customary. The fact that it bothered me for so long afterwards is not nearly as disturbing as not realizing later exactly when it slipped out of my conscious thought process. It's the effect of not specifically remembering doing or not doing something and being frightened – for all I knew, I had come back in mid-afternoon sometime shouting "good morning!" to anyone who would listen, such is my paranoia at not being able to remember when exactly I remembered to forget.
The events of the day itself were bland and mostly negligible, just another stepping stone on the way to something that will hopefully be better. Most of the days now feel much like this, despite whatever infatuation with the status quo that I may have previously professed in one way or another for a time.
The saving grace is the approach of February vacation, which promises little yet seems like such a reward at the end of a long tunnel. I'm going to sleep and read and record some music on my own, and it's not going to be nearly long enough to "recharge my batteries", as it were. Regardless, at least it's almost here.
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| Now, More Than Ever |
[11 Feb 2005|11:24pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
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music |
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The Sugarcubes - Regina |
] |
"It's a lovely universe...what's left of it."
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| I Am Not One-Half of the Problem |
[10 Feb 2005|07:02pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
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music |
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Pavement - Zurich Is Stained |
] |
So after today I'm on the positive side of that line that's supposed to celebrate responsible adulthood from that juvenile craziness that I wrote my mixed essay in creative writing on. I'm 18, but I don't exactly feel any different. I celebrated by...actually, I didn't do much of anything. It's just another day for me. The only reason I was looking forward to being 18 is for 18+ shows, but I'm not about to go myself and I don't exactly know too many people who would want to come and see Dressy Bessy with me next time they come through.
Thanks to anyone who wished me a happy birthday, though, because no one ever remembers my birthday, ever. Much appreciated.
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| The Stars are the Greatest Thing You've Ever Seen, and They're There For You |
[06 Feb 2005|08:43pm] |
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mood |
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surprised |
] |
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music |
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R.E.M. - You Are The Everything |
] |
I would have called last night the best night ever if I hadn't gone to bed so late that I couldn't fall asleep right away. Having that extra late night time for contemplation is either a curse or the most enlightening of qualities – I haven't decided just yet. I'm fairly certain it hasn't helped me. I suppose last night changed some things. The band will probably be more successful now, people that I know from school may look at me differently, and so on. I don't think any of it matters so long as I can't even reconcile myself with whatever emotional attachments there are that I'm not even sure if I have. It's all because I'm awkward and it's all because I still have strong feelings that I don't know how to deal with.
I couldn't speak, I couldn't ask about it, I couldn't even bring myself to utter a "I think we should talk..." when I didn't even know what "it" is or about what. It was all about a sustained feeling that I should have been doing something, but I wasn't. Is it all going to be okay when tomorrow comes around? If "okay" just means I'm still confused but I can find a way to forget at interval with the aid of the faint but infinitely comforting voice of a friend, I don't want to be okay anymore. Certainly not when I can nurture that feeling of okay for so long and have it all shattered in the space of a few hours. Absence doesn't amount to abandonment, I suppose.
There.
Truth is, I've been looking around for so long that I've forgotten to take notice of exactly where I'm standing.
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| You Heard Enough of Those in '89 |
[03 Feb 2005|10:25pm] |
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mood |
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awake |
] |
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music |
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Damon & Naomi - This Car Climbed Mt. Washington |
] |
"What time am I being executioned?"
- Megan
Hmm...something is definitely missing tonight.
An odd feeling: My English teacher has been out the last few days, and with that class last period, nothing to do during it, and the warmness of the room, it really feels like it could be spring even though the year is just now giving birth to its dwarfish child called February. I try to avoid looking out the window at the still-piled snow to make the illusion last for as long as possible, but eventually school ends and I have to go outside and face reality.
I don't even know if springtime will be such a good thing this year. I'm excited about high school finally being over, but I'm now thinking that I'm going to miss a lot of positive aspects about it and people I'm just now coming to know after all this time. I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I guess it's all part of the growing process, but I have a feeling that a lot of these lost contacts are going to hurt in the long run. There are definitely a lot of people I want to keep in touch with. I know everyone says that to a degree, but I'm serious, because I'm not close to many people. There's always going to be the memories, but you can't share your secrets with a memory and expect much comfort in return.
On that note, it appears that I will be 18 in...one week. Wow, that one snuck up on me.
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| First Name: Flying |
[25 Jan 2005|09:33pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
] |
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music |
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Neil Young & Crazy Horse - Cortez the Killer |
] |
So here we are, across the divide. There's a lot of things I can look at now that my own problems have dulled so greatly due to outside influence. It's an entirely different sensation, being on the outside looking in. Before, I was more on the inside desperately seeking an exit because I didn't want to know how everything inside the factory worked anymore. Then I found it, and here I am now.
Understanding, meaning...none of that is bothering me right now. There's simply no time for it. Think of how much better I could be, how much better I am, for just wanting to be around people rather than analyzing every intention and seeking more than can be expected.
I still have that notebook that I've been keeping since last year. It's not really a journal, it doesn't go in order. I just fill in quotes, notes, observations and other such things every day. My goal, I guess, is to look back on it and have some rich treasure trove of untapped inspiration that I can maybe turn into something literary. I don't know if it'll work, there will be years of separation needed to forget context and original meaning behind the phrases, rhymes, and confused poetry of my daily creative output.
Its contents now are famous in my mind, and the things I've left out equally prominent. Political essays, my article on fat kid stock footage on the evening news, songs, reasons why I'd miss school over last summer, half-written desperate longing thoughts, titles, story ideas, "the Stella Letters", an extended metaphor beginning with "See here, this clock...," and lists. It's all there for future interpretation, a time capsule from an insane period hopefully fated to be opened in the calmer waters of tomorrow.
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| I Think That Was a Chapter in a History Book |
[16 Jan 2005|07:52pm] |
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mood |
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content |
] |
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music |
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Sleater-Kinney - Don't Talk Like |
] |
I've surely changed this time. I know it. I was going to write a lot more, but it's simply this: I would usually be depressed right now, or at the very best simply accepting and emotionless. Not now, though. The last week of my life has brought on such a basic shift in my whole world view. I'm so...optimistic. I would even almost use the word "perky". There isn't even what I would have considered a reason for it if I were still thinking the same way.
I just love everything. Everything.
---
[19:39] Neutron Pixie: as The Sugarcubes say, "Life's Too Good"
[19:40] AmnesiacRew142: and as the Zombies say
[19:40] AmnesiacRew142: Whats your name?
[19:40] AmnesiacRew142: Who's your daddy?
[19:40] AmnesiacRew142: Is he rich like me?
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| New Inspiration Not Fully Translating Into Their Work... |
[08 Jan 2005|11:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
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music |
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Cocteau Twins - The Itchy Glowbo Blow |
] |
I had this idea a while back to write a movie based partially upon a dream I had. It would have been realistic, honest, and wholeheartedly emotional. I couldn't do it. I wrote the first few pages of the screenplay and it was unintentionally comedic, so I gave up on it. Later, more recently, I started writing it as a book instead. I sketched out what the title page would look like and put a few inspiring quotes to serve as an introduction. I continue to write portions of it in my mind – I know exactly how it will end, but I haven't written all the symbolism and subplots that make the ending seem so important. I also have no idea where it starts, or how.
Like in everything, I drew heavily from life. Ironically, I know exactly how and where the whole idea started and could practically give dates off of a calendar, but the ending of it all remains a distant mystery. There's a couple of characters in this book that are fairly important. Early on, the guy, in a sterling little showing of whatever he was trying to show, makes an offer to the troubled girl down the street. It's something along the lines of, say, whenever she needs to talk, he's always available, even if it's in the middle of the night. She can just call him whenever. Just like that. There was something about that sentimental and overtly helpful notion that seems so overdone, and yet it's one of those universally-known pre-broken promises that no one ever expects to be acted on. Get this, though. She does. Much as I've imagined it, no one has ever called me in the middle of the night. I think I'd like that. Maybe it's just feeling as though I could help someone. Helping someone is one of those things...you can never know exactly how troubled someone is and you always run the risk of being far too "helpful" when they don't really need it. It's a frightening prospect. I know I've had the inclination, perhaps even the outright need, to make such a late-night emergency call in the past, but obvious reasons held me back.
I don't know why I'm saying all of this. All I know is that just a short while ago I had one of those "calm myself down" moments I mentioned earlier, and this is what my mind drifted to. I'm just really quite afraid that I'm missing something. It's just going right by. And it almost feels like I'm waving.
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| And After That, Maybe We Can Get Around to Living a Little |
[08 Jan 2005|06:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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uncomfortable |
] |
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music |
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Joy Division - Disorder |
] |
Alright, so to summarize what's going through my mind currently: my sister has one of her friends over for the night (which is always hellish) and I really want to see The Life Aquatic but I have no one to go with. It's such a stupid problem, but I really don't want to go to a movie by myself (that fucks with me too much) and everyone I know has seen it, I think. Wow. That feels so insane after typing it, but that's what I get for ever doing anything.
Believe it or not, I've been trying to look on the upside lately. You know, if there ever is one. I never really looked for it much before but I'm finding now that I look that there isn't one always or even often. Not one that matters much, anyway. All told, for every time I relax my straining nerves and tell myself that everything will be fine, there's always some minor turbulence to ruin it all again. Or not. "Ruining it all" is hardly the phrase I should really use, but, whatever all of this is, it's really uncomfortable and I wish it would go away.
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| So This Is The New Year... |
[31 Dec 2004|06:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Red House Painters - Mistress |
] |
"My city's still breathing (but barely it's true) through buildings gone missing like teeth. The sidewalks are watching me think about you, all sparkled with broken glass. I'm back with scars to show. Back with the streets I know will never take me anywhere but here.
The stain in the carpet, this drink in my hand, the strangers whose faces I know. We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say 'I wanted it this way.' Wait for the year to drown. Spring forward, fall back down. I'm trying not to wonder where you are.
All this time lingers, undefined. Someone choose who's left and who's leaving. Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me: a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest, the best parts of lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires, new words for old desires, and every birthday card I threw away."
- The Weakerthans, "Left & Leaving"
( A few melodramatic parting words for 2004 )
I'd like my new beginning, please.
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utopiaplanitia's journal
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